I put this post in draft on Valentine's Day

There was nothing in the post, maybe because my mom was on life support and we were facing tough decisions. I haven’t been able to write about her death; it’s too much to process, and even trying brings me to tears—like now. I’m heartbroken she had to die that way, believing she’d make it through the surgery. The night before, she was so positive and brave, making plans to go to Portugal and confront someone she thought deserved it. A nurse gave me the wrong time to be at the hospital, but I made it just in time before they took her into surgery, touched her hand, and gave her a thumbs up, telling her she had this.

The last time I saw her alive was about an hour after surgery. I rushed into the recovery room; she was awake but couldn’t talk, trying to tell me something before everything happened so fast. I was whisked away, and the next time I saw her was hours later in the ICU after neurosurgery. I knew the moment I saw her that it was bad, and each day things got worse. She was kept alive by machines, and every time they tried to take her off the ventilator, she would crash. For 13 days we said goodbye, even though many stayed hopeful. She was strong, and people were shocked since she hadn’t been sick. She looked awful with all those machines and half her head shaved. That first day in the ICU, I thought she could hear me because her blood pressure rose when I spoke, but after that, I knew she was gone and it became a long goodbye. Both my parents died during snowstorms; we couldn’t be there this time because our cars were buried and roads were closed. It’s like she didn’t want us there.

All I keep thinking is that my mom grew up in the time like me, she would of have so much more choices in life and be so much happier.   Here obituary deserved so much more than she was a seamstress.  The minute she died I felt like I was in a whirlwind.  It was the same with my dad too.   Especially when we just spent a month in an out of hospital's with her.   We were sleep deprived and stressed out, so much slipped through while we were in flight mode.   Still kind of am.   We have been clearing her apt to rent and that involved going through all her things.  Still taking our time.