Adventures in Babysitting

When I was about 3 years old, I started being babysat by a family friend. My mom would drop me off at her house every morning, and the moment the door closed behind her, I was filled with panic and fear. I had to endure this for three years during a crucial stage of my childhood development. I believe the things we learn at such a delicate age stay with us for life.

She wasn’t very nice to me, just mean for no reason. She never hit me, but she yelled at me constantly and berated me. I was just a kid, yet I could feel her hatred toward me, and it was so hard to process or understand. I wasn’t even doing anything, but she would suddenly start going off on me. It was confusing and painful because I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I don’t remember her exact words, but I remember how they made me feel.like I was a terrible, worthless person. 

 She was so friendly when my mom and other people were around but when that door closed she turned into a demon.   For 3 years my mom would watch me cry from the moment I got up and continue until we got to her front door.   It was so lonely for me to have to be stuck, by myself, in this apt with this mean old lady.   She'd force me to sit on the floor and watch tv all day.  I had no company for long periods of time and I'm convinced this is why I now love being alone.  

I get mad about this because she held back my development. Day after day of going there and being terrorized, I didn’t get any hugs or kind words. It breaks my heart to think of my little 3-year-old self-stuck in that kind of hell. Little kids shouldn’t be treated that way. Children are meant to be loved and cherished, they’re innocent little souls who need all the love in the world. I can trace a lot of my issues back to those three years with her.  

She used to make me eat these cheese sandwiches and give me one cup of juice to drink.   It was so hard to eat all that cheese and not drink all my juice and GOD FORBID I did drink it all, I was would be called greedy and selfish.  One day I decided to only take a few bites and throw the rest behind her refrigerator when she would leave me there to go shopping.   I don't know why I chose the frig but I did,  who knows where I got that from.  After a month of cheese tossing, she finally found my stash and went ballistic.   She yelled at me and called me so many names and all I could do was cry.   I could see in her face she wanted to hit me but she knew my mom would kick her fucking ass.    She showed up at 4:00 pm like she usually did and stood up for me.. finally.   My mom told her, "I only bring her here because I didn't want any problems with the family but my daughter hates you and I'm sure she has her reasons.  I've had to listen to her cry every morning on the walk here.  She's scared of you but now you should be scared of me."   We walked out and I never went back there again.

Everyone knew this woman had issues and that she was mean because my cousin stayed there with me for a week and saw it.   My aunt took him out of there right away because she noticed signs of physical abuse.   She never hit me but her words to me were vicious.   My mom felt family obligations because that was my dad's side of the family and since they were responsible for her getting her green card she didn't want to start any problems.   Even after all these years I still wonder sometimes why she hated me so much.  I was a good quiet kid, maybe a little strange. (most aquarius children are) but good.  I wasn't annoying, I was quiet and shy.   I was always the kid you could leave by herself, it would be ok.   I knew how to keep myself busy and not start a fire lol.   

We joke about the evil babysitter all the time when we sit around at family dinners.   I think everyone has finally realized what kind of damage it did and that's why my niece never had to stay with one.  I"d never let her go through what I did.  

I wrote this blog because I recently came up with picture of this lady.   There she was crouching and smiling, looking like the sweetest old lady.   She died a long time ago but seeing her picture again brought up some repressed emotions.   I sat there with her picture in my hand and decided to forgive her.   The little 3 year old in me needed that.. It's like she's telling me "Throw that cheese sandwich away girl!  That shit will kill ya!"

Thank you Arlanda, for teaching me one thing in my life that I will always forever be grateful for.....

To never be afraid of being alone.

Maybe that was her lesson to teach me.